Family

If I talk about the joy of the journey, I have to talk about family. Family is the ultimate 'gang'. It's the people around whom we can be ourselves. They can be our biggest critics, but also our greatest cheerleaders. If we screw up they not only will let us know that we did, but they will also love us anyway. At least, a relatively normal (what's normal?) family will. It's the ones who don't have this security net who seek a gang outside of the family. Would that all families could be the ultimate 'gang' so there are no castaways who search for acceptance somewhere else.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. (Probably like most people.) Situations weren't ideal, and there was a huge element of fear in my childhood. I can't say that my childhood was happy. It was hard growing up out in the country...where playmates were few and far between. There was quite an age difference between me and my siblings as I was an "oops, I thought we were done" baby. My brother closest in age to me was 7 years older, and though we played together alot when I was little; when he became a teen-ager the last person he wanted tagging along was his little sister. I idolized him. He teased and tormented me. But, I always knew he loved me. If someone picked on me, he was there as my defender so fast the other person didn't see it coming. He looked out for his baby sister. My sister is 11 years older than me, and was my second mom. It seems that I became her 'charge'. It was up to her to babysit me all of the time. I sure hope she didn't resent that. I grew up adoring her and looking up to her as my example. She saw to it on her meager wages, that I had school clothes, and let me spend summers with her. I didn't know at the time how she struggled financially. I was grateful for her generosity, and for all of the things she taught me. She helped me on the path I chose....following the teachings of my Father in Heaven. I will always be grateful to her for the example she set, and her faith and teaching. My oldest brother is 14 years older than I am, and we really didn't have many interactions when I was growing up. The age difference really did separate us. He wasn't around a lot that I can remember. That makes me kind of sad, because we didn't develop a close relationship. I love him dearly though.
Mom and dad had their difficulties. Dad was controlling, domineering, vicious tongued and prone to verbal and physical abuse when he drank too much. Growing up I was scared to death of him. If he said jump, I asked how high on the way up. (Figuratively speaking of course) It never even crossed my mind to do the stuff my children did......my dad would have killed me if I had. (Or so I thought) He probably wouldn't have killed me but I would have been better off if he had. There were so many things that I wanted to do, but I was afraid to even ask his permission, and I figured he would say no anyway. I wanted to learn how to snow ski with my friends, he said no because he was afraid I'd break my leg and we didn't have insurance. I wanted to ride the motorcycle with my boyfriend and he said no because I'd get hurt. So, I lived in fear...afraid to step out on the limb and take a chance to do and accomplish what I wanted to do. I think I spent a lot of time during my adolescence depressed. I wondered why God put me in this family, where I had to grow up in a 'tavern' and
'dance hall'. That's not where you expect to find a young LDS girl growing up now is it?
When I was young, my dream was to become a doctor and deliver babies. By the time I finished high school, my dad had me believing that I wasn't smart enough to do anything but be a secretary. And I had NO desire to be anyones secretary.
I look back now and I can see that I am who I am today because of the situations and experiences I had in my younger years. And, I have come to the conclusion that we are where we are for the learning we can gain there. Each of us has the experiences that are just right for us. It may be happy, it may be frightening, but it is perfect for us at that time. If we are willing to learn the lessons of life, we will be taught.
I love my parents. They both passed away when I was in my early 20's. And, it's sad to say that at the time my dad passed away, I was glad. He was not a very nice person...and yet I now understand why he was the way he was. I no longer judge him. He made his choices based on what he knew. I know that on the other side of the veil, his eyes have been opened, he has learned, and he has felt sorrow for the pain and sorrow he caused. I forgive him, and I anxiously await the chance to be reunited with him and tell him how much I love him. My mom was an angel. She was my best friend growing up. She was always there for me and I'm sure I drove her nuts sometimes...following her around the house jabbering. She was wonderful. And she put up with the verbal and physical mistreatment from my dad, and managed to keep a smile on her face and a song in her heart. She loved all of us kids. She did not judge us, she accepted us and loved us in spite of our shortcomings. She was an amazing woman. When she passed away, a year after dad passed away, I though my world had come crashing down. That was one of the hardest things I have had to bear. I can't wait to see her again.

I have 5 awesome children, who are adults with their own children now. Unfortunately they were raised in a dysfunctional family. (When that's what you learn, that's usually what you perpetuate.) Poor kids. How did they survive their dad and I? They've had their share of depressions, and difficult teen age years. They've made choices that have brought them some additional difficulties, and from which I've felt heartache. But they have grown from their experiences. They've learned. And, after all, life is for learning. If you learn from your mistakes, then they aren't mistakes. I begin to wonder..what's dysfunctional? We talk about dysfunctional homes, and although I felt mine as a child was, and mine as a parent was....they functioned as a place of learning. We've all survived.
I kind of like the 'gangs' I belong to. Yes, there has been joy on the journey